Hey all–I hope that your week is going well.  I’m in kind of a blurry state this week between end of school activities and a crazy full schedule myself.  But I have managed to round up some good stuff this week.  There is a section of grab-bag goodness and a section of patient and provider voices. I hope that you find something that speaks to you.

Random Good Stuff

The Rarasaur blog is a new find for me, but someone sent me a link to this post, and I knew I wanted to pass it along.  The author offer an invitation to step back and look at the pressure we sometimes put on ourselves to achieve.

I know that I have mentioned the 100 Days of Lovingkindness project that is being sponsored by Wildmind.  In view of several other posts I’ve written recently, I really connected with this piece that asks why we are so hard on ourselves.

Robin at Farewell Stranger reminds us that, when we ask for and offer help, the world feels warmer and safer.

Voices in Health Care

One of the reasons that I enjoy group therapy is that it provides a powerful opportunity for healing through shared experience.  Lizabeth Wesley-Casella shares her own story of learning about shared experience in this post on the Nourishing the Soul blog.

Dr. Anita Gupta recognizes that pain is a significant problem for many people during hospital stays.  She offers several practical suggestions for patients to help decrease pain risk.

Robert Pederse offers his own self-reflection about a moment of “accidental jerkiness” to encourage all of us to think about how we use language.

Ellen Diamond explores how it feels to live with an illness that does not have a cure. I think that many of you will relate to her reflections.

That’s all for me this week, folks.  I hope something this week connected for you.  As always, please share your own favorite resources in the comments.

Related posts:

1. Mid-Week Balance: 17 April 2013
2. Mid-Week Balance: 6 February 2013
3. Mid-Week Balance: 6 March 2013

Do you have a secret dream hobby?  That thing that you dream about doing, but never quite find time (or courage) to attempt?  Maybe you were shamed in a school art class, and you are deeply convinced that you don’t have any creative talent.  Maybe you are tone deaf or get stage fright.  Well this week, I am inviting to you think about that secret creative dream.

I can see the puzzled looks now.  “What does creativity have to do with mental health?” you might be asking.  I believe that the two are deeply linked.  And I think that all of us have a creative urge.  However, we think of creativity as the playing ground for the special few that can draw, paint, sing, sculpt, etc.  And for those of us whose creative talents lie elsewhere, that often means that we can feel left out of the creativity ball game.

But here’s the thing.  Every kindergartener knows that there is something profoundly satisfying about being able to say, “I made something.”  We are all creative, and everyone has the urge to make something new, to build something, to grow something–to create.

When we are making something, we feel productive, and useful, and capable.  When we learn to make a new thing, we are growing critical neural connections that keep our brains healthy.  When we can point to something and say, “I made that,” we have a sense of pride and joy.

Now, for those of you who are getting ready to tell me, “But I don’t have a creative bone in my body,” let me encourage you to think about this some more.  Creativity comes in all stripes.  Do you like to cook?  Have you been fantasizing about a garden? Do you get excited about home improvement? Are you an excellent social planner? Do you have a secret “project notebook” where you keep track of things you’d love to build or try?  Have you been dying to try some photography or scrapbooking? Do you have a journal of your favorite thoughts, poems, or story starters? Are you a whiz at website design or computer coding?

I have a fairly substantial lack of traditional artistic talent, myself.  Painting, drawing, sculpting–these are things that just elude me.  But, a few years ago, I really wanted to be be able to make something. So, I got a children’s book about knitting, and I used it to learn how to make scarves.  I haven’t ever progressed beyond scarves–they are simple and don’t need a pattern or a lot of attention.  But what I make isn’t nearly as important as the satisfaction of producing something.

It doesn’t matter what you make. The point is that you make something. That you get the satisfaction of knowing that your talents (or at least your effort) brought something into the world that wasn’t there before.  So, are you fired up? I’d love to hear what you decide to try!

Image Credit: Photo by hello-julie via Flickr under Creative Commons License.

Related posts:

1. Self-Care 101: Do One Healthy Thing
2. Self-Care 101: When Things Aren’t Perfect
3. Self-Care 101: Pausing

Hi all–if you noticed that MWB was missing last week, I apologize.  I was home with a sick kiddo, and didn’t make it to the computer.  But, everyone is healthy this week, and I have an enormous round-up for you.  There is so much good stuff that I am going to jump right in.

Self-Care and Self-Criticism

So often in my office, I hear clients talk about themselves in frustrated, angry, even unkind ways.  Here are two perspectives on that phenomenon.  Rosie Molinary talks about the importance of breaking up with your inner “frenemy.”  Glynis Sherwood, MEd, discusses how we develop our “inner hecklers” and offers some suggestions about how we might stand up to them.

Dr. Sara Gottfried talks about the critical importance of choosing to breathe, both for our physical health and for our emotional health.  She emphasizes the value of yoga practices for this.  Now that’s speaking my language.

I absolutely love this post from Dr. Tara Brach.  She uses a story about monkeys on a golf course to illustrate the principle that life is not about what happens, but about how we respond to what happens.  Since this is an issue I explore in session all the time, I might even borrow the story.

I know that Mother’s Day was last weekend, but this post makes some lovely points about how we think of ourselves and our bodies.

And finally, I appreciate this post from Seth Godin about how our efforts to avoid fear often lead to even more fearful behavior.

Highlighting Patient Voices

I am increasingly looking for patient voices to feature in MWB, because I think that our health care system will be “fixed” only if patients have a huge voice in the necessary changes.  So, I’ll start with this post from Jessica Apple of The Sweet Life blog.  She offers fifteen things she wishes that doctors would learn, about her and about all patients.  It’s worth spending some time on.

If you had to boil Jessica’s post down to a single concept, it would be the one discussed by Robert Pederse of the T Minus Two blog.  He points out that most patients are seeking fundamental respect from their health care providers and educators.

In this post, which is long but completely worth the read, blogger DCPatient explores what she calls the “cumulative burden” of living with and managing a chronic health condition.

I know this was a lot today, but I hope that you found something that spoke to you this week.  As always, please feel free to share your favorite resource in the comments.

Since part of my online work is encouraging others to think and plan for end of life decisions early, I appreciated this post from oncologist Dr. James Salwitz about how we are “too busy to die.”

Related posts:

1. Mid-Week Balance: 6 February 2013
2. Mid-Week Balance 3 April 2013
3. Mid-Week Balance: 27 February 2013

Tara Mohr began the “Grandmother Power” blogging campaign as a way to raise awareness about how women working together and speaking up can change the world in loving and powerful ways.  I’m a little late to this party, since the campaign ends tomorrow, but there is still time for you to join in and share your thoughts about the value and power of strong older women.

Life is Short–Eat Dessert First

When I heard about this campaign, I immediately thought about my maternal grandmother.  Even though she lived 500 miles away, my grandma was a central figure in my life.  She stayed with us when new babies were born.  She came on all of our family vacations.  She taught me how to play cards and dice–she was a wicked card player.  She was a bookkeeper, and made sure that all of us knew how important math was.  She let the big kids take turns sleeping in her room, so we got our one-on-one time.  She expected good manners at her table.  She was a complete night owl, and she would pound on her paper in frustration when you couldn’t guess her Pictionary drawing. She hiked the Rockies in her late 70s and continued to travel the country well into her 80s.

This was after she helped her husband build a business, anchor a church community, and raise five children.

My grandmother had a passion for life, and a passion for her family.  She believed in seeking out new experiences, and building great memories.  I am so grateful that she got to meet my daughter, and so sad that my children will never have the memories with her that I did (although my mom is working pretty hard at being exactly that grandmother for them).

Hanging in her kitchen was a plaque that said “Life is Uncertain–Eat Dessert First.”  Now in some ways, this was a reflection of my grandmother’s appreciation for great sweets–particularly all things chocolate.  And, in her honor, at her funeral lunch most people headed to the dessert table first.  But really, it was a great metaphor for her attitude that we can’t afford to wait until the “time is right.”  Life is what is happening now, and we have a responsibility to get out there and engage in it.

So, as I reflect on the idea of “grandmother power,” I take this lesson from my grandmother.  In your life, eat dessert first.  Tell the people that you love that you love them.  Don’t wait for a bad job to get better–find a great job.  Don’t count on someone else to make change, take a step on your own.  Hug your children every day.  Find something to build, to grow, to be proud of.  And enjoy some great chocolate too.

Related posts:

1. The Power of “AND”–A Tool for Couples (and the rest of us!)
2. Guest Post: Tara Sophia Mohr of the Wise Living Blog
3. Self-Care 101: Pausing

I have written a post about this in the past, but with Mother’s Day approaching, it felt important to revisit this topic.  In fact, this is a topic that many mental health professionals have covered (here’s one example and here’s another).  And that makes me wonder–what on earth is going on with our understanding of self-care?  Especially those of us who are parents? How did we get stuck in this mental trap of feeling that self-care is selfish?

Celebrating beauty–one my small acts of self-care.

In my earlier post, I explored the idea that we have some confused definitions–that often we file behaviors that are good self-care under the “selfish” label.  Because this weekend is Mother’s Day, I’ve also been reflecting on the role that our mothers, and the social messages we get about parenting, play in the self-care/selfish tug-o-war.  When I think about my mom, I think about someone who wholeheartedly threw herself into her role as a mother.  She attended hundreds of ball games, bunches of concerts, plays, award ceremonies–you name it, she did it.  When I think of my mom as a young mom, I don’t think of all that many illustrations of her doing something just for herself.

And that’s the problem, isn’t it?  Parents have so many demands on their time as they juggle the roles of mom/dad, romantic partner, household manager, plus, for many, career roles.  When time gets that limited, carving out moments of time that are dedicated to maintaining your own emotional or physical health can feel downright challenging.  And, if you have been taught from an early age that you should put other people’s needs above your own, it can feel selfish.

I am grateful to my mom for many of the lessons she shared, both through her words and through her actions.  I am in awe of her stamina and her dedication.  And I hope that I can pass many of those values, from the importance of family to the joy of baking, on to my own children.

I also want to show my children that taking time to care for yourself is also a value.  That it is a good thing to “fill up your jar,” so that you have more to give those you love.  So, tonight, instead of heading home, I’ll spend a few hours with a treasured group of friends.  Tomorrow, instead of doing housework all morning, I’ll go to the gym (the kids will go too–they love the kids’ classes).

One of the reasons that self-care gets a bad rap is that it tends to be linked with advertisements for expensive spa days.  Guess what?  Self-care can happen for no cost at all.  Here are a few of my favorite free self-care choices:

• A quick walk
• Short meditations
• Three deep breaths
• Baking bread from scratch
• Focusing on something beautiful
• Playing with my kids
• Messing around in the garden
• Tossing a ball for the dog
• Phone time with a friend.

If you take one thing away from this post, I hope it is this.  The next time that you find yourself waffling about a self-care choice because you don’t want to be “selfish”–challenge that thinking.  Invite yourself to be creative about redefining and reclaiming self-care as one of the essential ways that you care for those you love.

Got a favorite self-care go-to?  Please share.

Other Mother’s Day posts:

For Moms–and the rest of us–Balance is a Moving Target

When Mother’s Day Isn’t All Sunshine and Roses

Image Credit: Photo by Matt McGee via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Related posts:

1. Self-Care 101: When Things Aren’t Perfect
2. Self-Care 101: Challenging “Selfish”
3. Self-Care When You Feel Lousy

Today’s post is for the Postpartum Support International (PSI) blog hop.  May has been designated Maternal Mental Health Awareness month.  In support of that, PSI is hosting a blog hop focusing on postpartum recovery and coping.  While today’s post will use language specific to new mothers, this is an issue that applies to people in all kinds of life situations.  I hope you find something that speaks to you.

Coping When You’re Exhausted and Overwhelmed

Having a new baby in your life can be joyful, powerful, and a time of intense connection.  Those are the experiences that are evoked when you hear the phrase “babymoon.”  At the same time, having a new baby can be isolating, exhausting, frightening and overwhelming.  The intense sleep deprivation and the impact that it has on your emotions and ability to cope are realities of new parenting that often get buried in the fine print when people talk about having a baby.

This can set up a difficult paradox.  People around you assume that you are having a joyful, cuddly bonding experience with your newborn.  While that is often true, the other side of the truth is that you may be worn to a thread, sometimes feeling like you are holding things together by the skin of your teeth.  That makes it incredibly important that you find ways to describe and ask for the kind of support that you actually need.

Many people really struggle with the idea of asking for what you need.  This can be true for many reasons.  Here are a few of the most common:

• You don’t know what you need.
• You don’t want to “impose.”
• You don’t want to be seen as demanding or needy.
• You are worried that those around you are too busy.
• You are so tired that even stating your needs feels like a burden.
• You are afraid that you won’t get what you ask for.

All of these reasons can prevent you from getting the best support possible.  And all of them may have roots in legitimate concerns.  Often though, there are people in your life who love you.  They want to help and support you.  And they will appreciate having some direction from you about how they can be most helpful.

Ask For What You Need–In Real Life

Step One: Dealing with Yourself

Before you can ask for what you need from others in your life, you need to spend a little bit of time with yourself.  Asking for what you need is most effective when you are clear about what you are asking for.  For example, when you say, “I just want some help,” that is pretty wide open.  When you say, “It would be hugely helpful if you ran a few loads of laundry,” you are providing a clear guideline.  So, before you try reaching out to others for help, try asking yourself what you need.  Here are a few sample questions:

• What is my biggest need?  Do I need to sleep, have practical housework help, or do I need to talk to another adult for an hour or so?
• Am I craving emotional support or practical support?
• How can I define what I want in specific, behavioral terms?  What would it look like if I saw the kind of help I want on a video?
• Can I meet some of my own needs?  Maybe I need to take a nap when the baby naps instead of doing laundry.  Maybe I need to put the baby in the stroller and get outside for a bit.

Step Two: Dealing with Others

It can feel scary to ask for what you need. You might not get it.  You might be misunderstood.  Here’s the thing though.  I think you are much more likely to get what you need if you ask for it.  If you don’t ask, then you are expecting those around you to read your mind, to magically know what you need.  Asking isn’t being “needy” or “demanding”–it is simply helping the people you love direct their energy in the ways that will let you feel most supported.  Here are a few tips on asking for what you need:

• Match the request to the person.  Some friends or family members are great at emotional support, while others are better at practical things, like helping with the laundry or letting you rest.
• Be open to the idea that you are loved and supported.  When you’re sleep-deprived, it can be easy to feel alone.  Asking for help is a way to reduce that isolation.
• Don’t equate mind-reading with caring.  People who love you may not know what you need until you ask for it.
• Be clear and specific about what will be helpful.

You are Loved and Supported

At the end of the day, we all need to know that we are loved and supported.  And learning to ask for what you need, particularly in the challenging and amazing time with a new baby, is one of the best ways for you to get to feel that love and support.  I know that it can feel like extra work at first, but I’m inviting you to give this a try.  Try to define one thing that you feel as though you need.  Then ask for it.  I would love it if you share what happens in the comments.  Also, feel free to share your own tips for defining and asking for what you need.  You are loved and supported.  You deserve to feel that way.

Related posts:

1. “If You Need Anything, Just Call”–Support Fail!
2. Teaching Your Partner How to Love You
3. The High Wire: Why Therapy isn’t Always About “Safe”

Happy May Day!  I know that most people don’t leave baskets of flowers on their neighbors’ doorsteps any longer, but maybe today’s roundup of amazing writing will be a mental bouquet for you.  I am following my own advice and writing this post outside while I enjoy the gorgeous spring weather (before the snow is supposed to move in tomorrow–what??).  Today kicks off National Cancer Research Month, so I have a section dedicated to the impact of cancer and the importance of focusing on research.  I also have a section of grab-bag self-care goodies.  Dig in!

National Cancer Research Month

AnneMarie Ciccarella is one of the voices that is tireless in  support of increasing cancer research.  Here is her post about NCRM, and the ways that you might be able to get involved.

Do you want to know why I make such a fuss about cancer research?  It is because any cancer can become metastatic at any time. No matter how careful you are, no matter how many healthy choices you make.  And then you are facing the experience that writer Lisa Bonchek Adams describes so powerfully in this post.  We must do better.

Research needs to be paired with strong survivorship plans.  #BCSM Community founder and advocate Jody Schoger explores some newly published guidelines for survivorship.

Grab-Bag Goodness

I have written several posts about what makes therapy different, trying to articulate the oddly intimate nature of the therapy relationship.  So I loved this post from Dr. Ashley Solomon exploring things you might not know about your therapist.

One issue that I want to highlight more in my resources is helping patients feel more educated, engaged and empowered as they deal with the medical system.  So, when I found this post on KevinMD offering practical suggestions for hospital health and safety, I had to share it.

Chris Brogan is perhaps best known as a business consultant/inspirational speaker.  However, this post on facing and overcoming fear felt relevant to many life situations.

Anna Guest-Jelley does such a lovely job of making yoga accessible.  I really appreciated this post in which she ties the philosophical roots of yoga to the practice of accepting your body.

It wouldn’t be a MWB roundup if I didn’t explore some aspect of mindfulness and meditation.  I don’t want you to be disappointed, so I have two options for you today.  First, Dr. Elisha Goldstein offers a short, practical gratitude practice that you can integrate easily into your day.  I think you will find that this gratitude practice has a lot in common with the “on the go” suggestions for applying metta bhavana (lovingkindness) that are offered in the Wildmind 100 Days of Lovingkindness practice.

That’s it for me this week.  I hope you found something helpful, and as always, please feel free to share your favorite resources in the comments.

Related posts:

1. Mid-Week Balance: 17 April 2013
2. Mid-Week Balance: 2 January 2013
3. Mid-Week Balance: 27 March 2013

This post is the final post (for now) in my Health Stigma & Privilege series.  If you are new to the series, you may want to read the initial posts defining health stigma and healthy privilege and exploring how health stigma creates harm.

In the first two posts I have shared an initial definition of health stigma and healthy privilege.  I’ve talked a bit about the damage that health stigma can cause.  Today, I want to talk about how to challenge and cope with health stigma and healthy privilege.  This post has been the toughest post to write.  As I wrestled with the ideas for the post, I realized that what I was running into was a dilemma of competing truths.  It is true that, as a psychologist, I am always looking for the choices that we have to cope in healthy ways, to find our points of control, to be active in supporting health.  It is also true that health stigma and healthy privilege are big, systemic problems, which feel hard to change or challenge.

Initially, I felt pretty stumped.  But one of the things I tell my clients is that we can only deal with what is in front of us.  And so I took that logic and applied it to the issue of challenging healthy privilege.  What I have are a few “mouse-sized” ideas for dealing with an elephant-sized issue.  Things that you might be able to do even if you’re exhausted.  Things that aren’t too big to add to plates that are already full.

Mouse-Sized Coping Strategies

1. Know that you are not alone, crazy, lazy or “difficult.” If the response to this series has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that there are many, many people who have experienced some level of health stigma or healthy privilege as they cope with their illness.  For many of us, understanding that this is a real phenomenon, and that others have walked this path too, is powerful.  Remind yourself that you aren’t alone.
2. Connect with others. Patient communities aren’t perfect, but they do provide spaces in real life and online for you to connect with others who share your experiences.  And as you are connecting, you can also practice step 3:
3. Speak your truth.  Part of what allows privilege of any type to remain in place is that it is often invisible.  If these ideas ring true for you, put it in writing.  Carolyn Thomas did just that in this piece on her HeartSisters blog.  So did the author of the My Fainting Goat blog in her response about the deep roots of privilege.  As you can see in the comments on Carolyn’s piece, when one person shares, others open up as well.  The more of us who are speaking about privilege, the louder the voice becomes.
4. Enlist advocates. If you don’t feel heard by your doctor, or your family–bring in a third party.  Find someone who does understand and ask them to assist you.  Sometimes, a neutral third voice is easier to hear.  This might be a therapist, a pastor, a friend, a patient navigator–there are lots of options.  You don’t have to do this alone.
5. Stand your ground.  What you are experiencing is not imaginary.  You deserve to have your experience heard and respected.
6. Don’t forget your self-care.  At the end of the day, you have to know yourself and care for yourself.  If you are too tired to struggle today, take a rest.  Remember to breathe.  Pay attention to the basics–sleep, nutrition, and exercise.  Get good emotional support.

Your Turn

Okay folks, now it is your turn.  This is not an issue that any one of us will fix on our own.  We need a community that is naming these issues, naming the ways that they harm, and supporting one another in pushing back.  What “mouse-sized” strategies would you suggest?

Image Credit: Photo by teclasorg via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Related posts:

1. Elephant Stampede: Health Stigma Causes Damage
2. Hi There Mr. Elephant–Let’s Talk about Health Stigma & Privilege
3. Coping with The Daily Grind: Challenges of Chronic Illness

Hello everyone–hope this edition of MWB finds you doing well.  Today, we’ve managed to move from snow to spring here in the Kansas City.  This week’s round-up edition features several double-headers.  Normally, I choose one post per author per week, but this week I just couldn’t choose. This week is a whole lot of focus on self-care.  There is also a really interesting infographic about the impact of social media. I hope that something fits a need for you.

Self-Care Bonanza

The first double header is from Dr. Elisha Goldstein, the mindfulness blog expert for PsychCentral. He first took a mindfulness approach in examining the new Dove “Real Beauty” commercial.  And then he offered this powerful reflection on what doubt is and how how we might deal with it.

The second double header is from the amazing Rosie Molinary.  She begins by encouraging us to explore the ways that we define and look for love–and suggests that we have something to offer ourselves. Then, in addition, she had this amazing piece encouraging you to think about how and when you might say “no.”

Mara Glatzel offers a wonderful take on how, sometimes, we define things as self-care that are actually self-punishment. This reminded me of a post I wrote last year.

I often talk about the power and value of meditation.  If you want to give it a try, you could join the Mindful in May meditation challenge.

Finally, this post from AnneMarie Ciccarella includes the infographic that I promised earlier.

Related posts:

1. Mid-Week Balance: 25 April 2012
2. Mid-Week Balance 3 April 2013
3. Mid-Week Balance: 6 February 2013

For those of you following the Health Stigma & Privilege series, part three will be coming next Friday. I appreciate all of the interest and comments that have been developing.

Today’s post isn’t the post I intended to write this week.  But I am feeling pulled to write a different post.  While I live far away from Boston and West, Texas, I have noticed a heaviness in my chest this week, a sense of heartbreak.  The heaviness has been compounded as I listen to stories of people being wrongly accused and facing increased prejudice.

All of this sorrow and loss has reminded me how important it is, in times of crisis and in our daily lives, to choose where we spend our time, energy and attention.  This is beautifully captured by the Fred Rogers quote which has been viral online.

One of the things that I appreciated about the middle of the week–when not much was known about the suspects in the Boston bombing–was that news outlets focused on helpers, on stories of compassion, connection and heroism.  And that got me thinking.  Shouldn’t we be paying attention to what we pay attention to?  To where we focus our time and energy?

Focusing on what is good, comforting, normal, life-giving, or joyful can be an important way to build your own resilience.  Resilience is the ability to adapt to changes and cope with adversity (more on that here and here).

So, in this week when you might feel bombarded by a sense of danger, uncertainty, or fear, I would love for you to think about some small steps you can take to place your focus on those things that are positive.  Here are a few examples:

• Spend some time with young children.  They have mastered the art of being present right now.
• Do something silly.
• Plant something (this can be a teeny tiny seed in a pot if you don’t have lot of space)–when we plant something, we invest in the future.
• Send a card or a letter to someone you have been out of touch with.
• Make a date with your significant other.
• List the three things you like most about where you are in your life right now.
• List three things you are looking forward to in the next week, month, & year.
• Connect with your spiritual background.
• Do a lovingkindness meditation.
• Talk to a good friend on the phone.
• Hang out with a dog or cat.
• Practice random kindness.

Even in our darkest moments, there is something good to focus on.  Whether it is ordinary heroes in a moment of tragedy, communities pulling together, pets, hobbies–there is always something.  And when we allow ourselves to put our focus on that something, we build our own resilience and push back against the darkness.

What do you choose to focus on?

Related posts:

1. Feeling Overwhelmed? Try to Locate Simple Joy
2. Mid-Week Balance: 17 April 2013
3. The Fear Factor: Tips for Coping