Dr. Ann Becker-Schutte

Space for Relationships

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 13:00:39 +0000

Last week, my post about assessing our relationship with technology and experimenting with some deliberate disconnection really seemed to hit home. It might be one of my most shared posts. Toward the end of that post, I invited readers to use some of the time that was created by setting down your tablets, or turning off TVs and laptops, to connect in relationships. One thing that I consistently hear from clients is how lonely they feel. Here are a few questions that I ask them:

Do you have a group of 3-5 family members or friends that you know you can call to support you in a time of pain or rejoice with you in moments of excitement?
When was the last time you had a conversation with someone? A real conversation, that explores what’s going on with both of you, how you feel about your lives, your plans, your stresses and joys? (Hint, real conversations require voices, not text.)
How often do you do activities that will allow you to sit with someone else and talk?

That last question is what we are going to tackle in this post. During graduate school, I had an extraordinary group of friends. They were smart and funny and supportive. They now live all over the country. In the past few years, as our lives have gotten busier, it’s gotten harder to connect. I caught myself feeling pretty lonely. And I realized that I wasn’t making space for new friends to enter my life. So, when my kids started school, I made myself look for other parents to connect with. (That’s not my normal comfort zone–I’m pretty shy outside of my office.) Once I found some people that I seemed to click with, I made it a priority to set up play dates, or get a babysitter for actual “dates with grownups.” Over the past two years, I have been able to grow a new group of friends. They are pretty smart and funny and supportive too. But I wouldn’t have them if I hadn’t made the space.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say this is simple. For some of us, the act of reaching out feels overwhelming and scary. Maybe that’s you.

Reaching out pays off though. For women, there is research that suggests that our friendships have significant emotional and mental health benefits. I suspect that, if men were given social permission to connect in the ways that women do, they would also experience those benefits. Every relationship counselor worth their salt will tell you that romantic partnerships need time and space in order to flourish.

So, if you answered no to any of the questions I asked earlier, maybe this can be your gentle invitation to make some space. You might do that by taking a technology break, or by condensing some other commitments. Maybe you can combine a great conversation with a walk, and get a two-for-one health bonus! Oh, and space for a relationship with yourself counts, but differently (look for a follow-up post on that before too long).

Any way that you go about it will be good for you. I would love to hear your favorite strategy for making space for connection.

Image Credit: Photo by rockmixer via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Balance Roundup: 12 June 2013

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 17:58:18 +0000

Hi all. I know that I told you last week that the roundup might be going bi-weekly, but there was so much good stuff in my reader this week that I had to share some of it with you. The posts this week fall generally into two categories. I have a bunch of stuff that touches on mindfulness and self-care, and another bunch that explores multiple health care issues. I hope that you find something that speaks to you this week. In that vein, today’s graphic is from the “Take What You Need” project–it’s a great fit for the balance roundup!

Mindfulness and Self-Care

Anna Guest-Jelley often writes things that catch my attention. This week, she invites us to explore how often we ask ourselves the question, “What’s wrong with me?” and encourages us to rethink our assumptions.

In a culture where we are constantly encouraged to be negative about our bodies, I really appreciated this 100 Days of Lovingkindness post about flipping that on its head and flooding our bodies with gratitude.

One issue that I encourage my clients to consider is that not all of our thoughts are accurate reflections of reality. Dr. Elisha Goldstein offers a four-step strategy for assessing thoughts before we buy into them.

Patient & Provider Voices

This post was a tough call because it really fits into both categories today. Robert Pederse of T Minus Two invites us to explore the challenge of accepting our own “awesomeness,” and suggests that chronic illnesses create another layer of challenge.

Dr. Jessie Gruman takes on the question of whether the idea of “engaged patients” sets patients up for failure. I agree with her conclusion, but I’d love to hear what you think.

This contribution is from Carolyn Thomas, who is a new find for my roundup. She explores the ways that stigma can further increase suffering. If you read my series on health stigma and healthy privilege, you know this is an important topic for me.

Blogger and health advocate the Afternoon Napper wrote a great post about artist and patient advocate Regina Holliday. Regina is the creator of the Walking Gallery of Healthcare, and one of my personal heroes.

Lisa Bonchek Adams always cuts to the heart of some of the most painful experiences that we can face during life-threatening illness. This post about worry is no exception.

That’s it for me this week. As always, please feel free to share your own favorite resource in the comments.

Disconnect . . . and Reconnect

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 19:49:14 +0000

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the yoga principle of “softening into” a pose, instead of forcing ourselves deeper. I suggested that this is a principle that we can all apply in our approach to self-care, relationships, and other aspects of our lives. In that post, I mentioned that I’m a yoga enthusiast. I am also a fan of our local public radio station, and yesterday, I got to hear part of an interview with teacher and speaker Max Strom that spoke deeply to what I believe as a therapist. If you have forty minutes, I’d encourage you to listen to the entire interview.

Technology and Relationships

If you don’t have time to listen, that’s okay too, because today’s post is inspired by that interview. I have written before about the need to be aware of our relationship with technology, to be willing to take technology “pauses.” I have shared lots of articles in my Mid-Week Balance roundups encouraging us to be more mindful of how we interact with technology. And during the interview, one issue that Mr. Strom raised was this: our technology eats into our time to be in relationships.

Whether those are relationships with ourselves or relationships with those around us, if we are scrolling through our tablets, checking our phones, watching our televisions, surfing on our laptops, or playing on our game consoles–we are often disconnected. Disconnected from our own thoughts and feelings. Disconnected from our kids or partners. Disconnected from good friends. And yes, I know that online relationships can be real and powerful. I’ve written about that too. But setting that aside for a moment, I’d invite you to take one day to assess your own relationship with technology.

Technology Self-Assessment

Do you have some form of technology (phone, tablet, etc) by your bedside? Do you interact with it first thing in the morning?
Does your technology go to the breakfast table?
Do you use your technology in the car?
How often during your work day are you connected (I know that for many of us, this is a LOT) to some sort of technology?
Do you interact with phones, tablets, televisions, etc during lunch or dinner?
Are there times during the day when you can’t see or check phones, tablets, etc?
Do you use technology immediately before bedtime?

Disconnect to Reconnect

I don’t know how you feel about technology. I know many people who enjoy their technology and don’t want anyone trying to limit how they use it. If that’s you, please know that I’m not talking about giving up technology altogether. (Given how engaged I am online, that would be a hypocritical request.)

I am however, inviting you to experiment a bit. Give yourself a half an hour where your can’t see your phone, check your email, or update a status. Instead, use that time to deliberately reconnect in a relationship–with yourself or someone else. You might spend that half hour outside, or meditating, or just catching up with a family member about how your days have gone. Try to notice how you feel after you spend that time. Did it enrich your day or lighten your stress? Please feel free to share the results of your experiment in the comments.

Image Credit: Photo: “Unplugged”by Gabriel Rocha via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Balance Roundup: 5 June 2013

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 13:00:49 +0000

What’s that you say? Mid-Week Balance didn’t show up last week? And you noticed that the name changed? Well, so the thing about that is . . .things are changing. As I get busier around here, I may not always have time to do two posts a week. And my Friday posts are my top priority. But I want to continue sharing good content, so we will have the balance round-up as often as I can. Maybe not every Wednesday. However, as you’ll see today, if I miss a week, you’ll get a super-size serving the next week. I have some meditation and mindfulness resources, some self-care resources, and some health care voices.

Meditation and Mindfulness

One of the things that I hear from clients when I bring up meditation is, “But I don’t have time for that.” This post from the Wildmind blog offers ten unusual ways to incorporate meditation into your daily routine.

I often write about how important it is to find tools and support that help us through life’s challenges. Laura Schenck, MA explores this in her post about the quality of “hardiness.”

I have been sharing posts from the “100 Days of Lovingkindness” challenge, and I was particularly taken by this post. It explores the issue of resentment, and offers suggestions and strategies for managing resentment.

Self-Care and Healthy Habits

Rosie Molinary offers a poignant story of her own experiences to remind us that self-care is not a luxury. It is an essential element of sustaining our own light and talents in the world.

Do you feel overwhelmed by your daily routine? Leo Babauta offers some suggestions for reframing your responsibilities so that you can build a simpler day.

Dr. Ashley Soloman invites all of us to join in and make June a month of spreading kindness-both for our own good and for the communities around us.

Voices From Healthcare

This post from Dr. Michelle Sorenson is aimed at folks who are dealing with hypoglycemic anxiety. However, as I read the post, I found myself thinking that her suggestions would work well for many types of anxiety. They are clear and straightforward.

In a similar way, this post from Valerie Rudiak on Kathy Morelli’s Birthtouch blog offers suggestions that are true for many of us. She talks about the sadness she felt when she realized that she had not noticed a friend’s struggle with postpartum depression. Her wry reflection about her “cluelessness” may ring true for many of us as well.

And here is one last post that is written about a specific illness, but offers tools that can help people responding to many illnesses. This post includes an interview with the author of “How to Be a Friend to a Friend who is Sick“–and it speaks to a friend with cancer, but offers suggestions that apply to many conditions.

Image Credit: Photo by PhotoSteve101 via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Self-Care 101: Puddle Jumping and Rain Running

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Fri, 31 May 2013 18:01:08 +0000

I am guessing that if I say, “I’ve had one of those weeks,” you’ll know what I mean. One of those weeks where the demands of daily life seem a bit over the top, or you get challenging news, or you don’t sleep well, or a cluster of any number of things upset the routine and make it all seem a little (or a lot) hard. And I have had one of those weeks. I’ve had one of those weeks to a degree that meant I wasn’t even sure if I would write today. And I don’t skip my Friday posts. I love writing and I’m committed to contributing to solid mental health information online.

I don’t know about your part of the world, but here in Kansas City, we were part of the devastating drought that took place last year. So, we have been trying very hard to be grateful for the regular rain that we’ve been getting this year. Our trees, gardens, and foundations all need the moisture.

But I am having one of those weeks. And it has rained nearly every day since Tuesday. And the dog has muddy feet, and the kids are stuck in the house. So this morning, I was just off kilter. I followed my own advice and took myself out of the office for a quick walk. That was helping, but then the real magic happened.

I saw a big old puddle.

And instead of walking around, I walked right through it. Since I’m dressed for work, and I don’t have backup clothes, I didn’t give it a full-steam jump. But I might later on.

Because I love jumping in puddles. Especially during rainstorms. Now that I’m a grown-up mom-type, I don’t spend as much time outside in thunderstorms as I used to, but I love the smells and sounds and feelings of playing in the rain and in the puddles.

This moment reminded me that even during a full-blown “terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad” week–there are moments of joy if we let ourselves find them. Moments when we remember the playful, engaged, child inside of us. And letting ourselves soak up those moments–jumping into a few puddles–is a way to push back the stress of daily life and re-connect ourselves to our coping tools.

So, have you jumped in any good puddles recently? What is your secret childlike joy?

Image Credit: Photo by Little Miss Ladybug via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Softening Into. . .

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Fri, 24 May 2013 13:00:54 +0000

Anyone who has spent time with me has probably heard a little bit about the huge crush that I have on yoga. I love yoga–it makes my body and mind feel better connected, and puts me in a very happy space with my body. Getting certified to teach yoga, and finding ways to integrate yoga into my therapy practice are both on my bucket list. “And what does yoga have to do with a therapy blog?” you may be asking. Well, here’s the thing. Since my practice focus is the spaces where our physical and mental health overlap, yoga is a fantastic metaphor for therapy.

There is one specific concept that I have heard from several yoga instructors. When I have been working on a difficult pose, instead of telling me to “push harder,” they have told me to “soften into the pose.” This is an idea that doesn’t make any sense at first, especially after years of traditional cardio classes. Until I connected with yoga, the idea of doing something deeper always included “pushing harder.” But in yoga, you learn that softening, relaxing, letting your body guide you–that’s really the path to getting deeper. Even though our logical minds might resist, gently easing deeper into a pose is much more effective than trying to jam my way further in.

I often use this language with clients in session. Because it works in your emotions too. Think about times when you feel hurt, or angry, or frustrated or about people who you wish you were connected with. Think about moments when you have been dealing with significant grief or even physical pain. When your emotions are wound tight, you are more likely to try to force the result you want. You are also more likely to run into roadblocks.

So the next time you find yourself ready to throw your hands in the air, whether it is in a relationship, with a work project, or on another personal goal, or the next time you feel completely overwhelmed by the painful things in life, I’d invite you to try this brief exercise.

Take 5-10 minutes to breathe. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to gently lengthen your exhale with each breath.
After your breathing has deepened and slowed, ask yourself to name what you are feeling. You can use a journal or a mental list.
Once you have identified your feelings, ask yourself what you truly want from this situation. Try to be specific about the desired outcome, naming actions instead of just feelings.
Imagine the barriers between you and your desired outcome slowly melting.
Gently, take a step (talk with someone, become active yourself) that moves you toward your desired outcome. Remind yourself that you might be just as successful softening into this outcome as you would pushing toward it (maybe more!).

Experiment with “softening into” a few different situations and notice what happens. If you are willing to share, I’d love to hear your “softening in” stories in the comments.

Image Credit:

Warrior pose on cliff photo by tearsxintherain via Flickr under Creative Commons License

Yoga in the park photo by torbakhopper via Flicker under Creative Commons License

Mid-Week Balance: 22 May 2013

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:00:21 +0000

Hey all–I hope that your week is going well. I’m in kind of a blurry state this week between end of school activities and a crazy full schedule myself. But I have managed to round up some good stuff this week. There is a section of grab-bag goodness and a section of patient and provider voices. I hope that you find something that speaks to you.

Random Good Stuff

The Rarasaur blog is a new find for me, but someone sent me a link to this post, and I knew I wanted to pass it along. The author offer an invitation to step back and look at the pressure we sometimes put on ourselves to achieve.

I know that I have mentioned the 100 Days of Lovingkindness project that is being sponsored by Wildmind. In view of several other posts I’ve written recently, I really connected with this piece that asks why we are so hard on ourselves.

Robin at Farewell Stranger reminds us that, when we ask for and offer help, the world feels warmer and safer.

Voices in Health Care

One of the reasons that I enjoy group therapy is that it provides a powerful opportunity for healing through shared experience. Lizabeth Wesley-Casella shares her own story of learning about shared experience in this post on the Nourishing the Soul blog.

Dr. Anita Gupta recognizes that pain is a significant problem for many people during hospital stays. She offers several practical suggestions for patients to help decrease pain risk.

Robert Pederse offers his own self-reflection about a moment of “accidental jerkiness” to encourage all of us to think about how we use language.

Ellen Diamond explores how it feels to live with an illness that does not have a cure. I think that many of you will relate to her reflections.

That’s all for me this week, folks. I hope something this week connected for you. As always, please share your own favorite resources in the comments.

Self-Care 101: Make Something

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Fri, 17 May 2013 18:59:31 +0000

Do you have a secret dream hobby? That thing that you dream about doing, but never quite find time (or courage) to attempt? Maybe you were shamed in a school art class, and you are deeply convinced that you don’t have any creative talent. Maybe you are tone deaf or get stage fright. Well this week, I am inviting to you think about that secret creative dream.

I can see the puzzled looks now. “What does creativity have to do with mental health?” you might be asking. I believe that the two are deeply linked. And I think that all of us have a creative urge. However, we think of creativity as the playing ground for the special few that can draw, paint, sing, sculpt, etc. And for those of us whose creative talents lie elsewhere, that often means that we can feel left out of the creativity ball game.

But here’s the thing. Every kindergartener knows that there is something profoundly satisfying about being able to say, “I made something.” We are all creative, and everyone has the urge to make something new, to build something, to grow something–to create.

When we are making something, we feel productive, and useful, and capable. When we learn to make a new thing, we are growing critical neural connections that keep our brains healthy. When we can point to something and say, “I made that,” we have a sense of pride and joy.

Now, for those of you who are getting ready to tell me, “But I don’t have a creative bone in my body,” let me encourage you to think about this some more. Creativity comes in all stripes. Do you like to cook? Have you been fantasizing about a garden? Do you get excited about home improvement? Are you an excellent social planner? Do you have a secret “project notebook” where you keep track of things you’d love to build or try? Have you been dying to try some photography or scrapbooking? Do you have a journal of your favorite thoughts, poems, or story starters? Are you a whiz at website design or computer coding?

I have a fairly substantial lack of traditional artistic talent, myself. Painting, drawing, sculpting–these are things that just elude me. But, a few years ago, I really wanted to be be able to make something. So, I got a children’s book about knitting, and I used it to learn how to make scarves. I haven’t ever progressed beyond scarves–they are simple and don’t need a pattern or a lot of attention. But what I make isn’t nearly as important as the satisfaction of producing something.

It doesn’t matter what you make. The point is that you make something. That you get the satisfaction of knowing that your talents (or at least your effort) brought something into the world that wasn’t there before. So, are you fired up? I’d love to hear what you decide to try!

Image Credit: Photo by hello-julie via Flickr under Creative Commons License.

Mid-Week Balance: 15 May 2013

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Wed, 15 May 2013 19:09:19 +0000

Hi all–if you noticed that MWB was missing last week, I apologize. I was home with a sick kiddo, and didn’t make it to the computer. But, everyone is healthy this week, and I have an enormous round-up for you. There is so much good stuff that I am going to jump right in.

Self-Care and Self-Criticism

So often in my office, I hear clients talk about themselves in frustrated, angry, even unkind ways. Here are two perspectives on that phenomenon. Rosie Molinary talks about the importance of breaking up with your inner “frenemy.” Glynis Sherwood, MEd, discusses how we develop our “inner hecklers” and offers some suggestions about how we might stand up to them.

Dr. Sara Gottfried talks about the critical importance of choosing to breathe, both for our physical health and for our emotional health. She emphasizes the value of yoga practices for this. Now that’s speaking my language.

I absolutely love this post from Dr. Tara Brach. She uses a story about monkeys on a golf course to illustrate the principle that life is not about what happens, but about how we respond to what happens. Since this is an issue I explore in session all the time, I might even borrow the story.

I know that Mother’s Day was last weekend, but this post makes some lovely points about how we think of ourselves and our bodies.

And finally, I appreciate this post from Seth Godin about how our efforts to avoid fear often lead to even more fearful behavior.

Highlighting Patient Voices

I am increasingly looking for patient voices to feature in MWB, because I think that our health care system will be “fixed” only if patients have a huge voice in the necessary changes. So, I’ll start with this post from Jessica Apple of The Sweet Life blog. She offers fifteen things she wishes that doctors would learn, about her and about all patients. It’s worth spending some time on.

If you had to boil Jessica’s post down to a single concept, it would be the one discussed by Robert Pederse of the T Minus Two blog. He points out that most patients are seeking fundamental respect from their health care providers and educators.

In this post, which is long but completely worth the read, blogger DCPatient explores what she calls the “cumulative burden” of living with and managing a chronic health condition.

I know this was a lot today, but I hope that you found something that spoke to you this week. As always, please feel free to share your favorite resource in the comments.

Since part of my online work is encouraging others to think and plan for end of life decisions early, I appreciated this post from oncologist Dr. James Salwitz about how we are “too busy to die.”

Eat Dessert First–A Grandmother Power Blog

DrAnnMBeckerSchutte — Mon, 13 May 2013 15:30:39 +0000

Tara Mohr began the “Grandmother Power” blogging campaign as a way to raise awareness about how women working together and speaking up can change the world in loving and powerful ways. I’m a little late to this party, since the campaign ends tomorrow, but there is still time for you to join in and share your thoughts about the value and power of strong older women.

Life is Short–Eat Dessert First

When I heard about this campaign, I immediately thought about my maternal grandmother. Even though she lived 500 miles away, my grandma was a central figure in my life. She stayed with us when new babies were born. She came on all of our family vacations. She taught me how to play cards and dice–she was a wicked card player. She was a bookkeeper, and made sure that all of us knew how important math was. She let the big kids take turns sleeping in her room, so we got our one-on-one time. She expected good manners at her table. She was a complete night owl, and she would pound on her paper in frustration when you couldn’t guess her Pictionary drawing. She hiked the Rockies in her late 70s and continued to travel the country well into her 80s.

This was after she helped her husband build a business, anchor a church community, and raise five children.

My grandmother had a passion for life, and a passion for her family. She believed in seeking out new experiences, and building great memories. I am so grateful that she got to meet my daughter, and so sad that my children will never have the memories with her that I did (although my mom is working pretty hard at being exactly that grandmother for them).

Hanging in her kitchen was a plaque that said “Life is Uncertain–Eat Dessert First.” Now in some ways, this was a reflection of my grandmother’s appreciation for great sweets–particularly all things chocolate. And, in her honor, at her funeral lunch most people headed to the dessert table first. But really, it was a great metaphor for her attitude that we can’t afford to wait until the “time is right.” Life is what is happening now, and we have a responsibility to get out there and engage in it.

So, as I reflect on the idea of “grandmother power,” I take this lesson from my grandmother. In your life, eat dessert first. Tell the people that you love that you love them. Don’t wait for a bad job to get better–find a great job. Don’t count on someone else to make change, take a step on your own. Hug your children every day. Find something to build, to grow, to be proud of. And enjoy some great chocolate too.